her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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