The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Another day, another engagement, another cat
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
