the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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