loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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