census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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