Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
