I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
