So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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