We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
