Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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