My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
