Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
