Your face is a jimmy john
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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