why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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