i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
