just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
