True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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