my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
