if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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