two words: eviction party
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
