My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
