I am spending my child support on dildos
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
