Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Your penis caused this!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
