hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
