her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
