god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
