I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
we should paint friendship bongs
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
