walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
