I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
