Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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