Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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