Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
