Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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