Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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