My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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