i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
