he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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