i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
