So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
