I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
