I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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