tell your sister to shave her snatch
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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