saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
