Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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