Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
