just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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