in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
