the new term for farting is butt boxing.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
