I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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