i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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